Carly Rae Jepsen skyrocketed to the top of the list of the Catchiest Songs Ever Written with her audio assault “Call Me, Maybe.” Listen to it once and you’re infected like brain herpes. But like many catchy songs, most people only ever learn the chorus and don’t get the bigger picture: that CRJ is a stalker and a menace. Allow me to fix that for you.

I threw a wish in the well,
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked to you as it fell,
And now you’re in my way

If you meet a girl while she’s wishing in a well for a guy to kiss her, and she’s not a princess in a Disney movie, that’s a red flag. Plus wishing wells are the worst investment this side of timeshares so that’s another red flag. Run from that girl.

I’d trade my soul for a wish,
Pennies and dimes for a kiss

Mere moments ago, you were wishing in a well! If you could just ration your wishes, you wouldn’t have to sell your soul.

I wasn’t looking for this,
But now you’re in my way

What do you mean you weren’t looking for this? In the first six lines, you wished in a well to meet him, traded your soul for a chance to get with him, and then spent $0.32 trying to get a kiss from him. You’re creepy AND a liar.

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

How do you confuse this with a singles bar?

You met a hot guy in a bar. And you gave him your phone number. Where’s the “this is crazy” part? That’s not crazy; that’s standard operating procedure for bars.

Now if you said Hey, I just met you, / and this is crazy, / but here’s my number, / so call me three times a day for the rest of your life to check in otherwise I’m going to assume you’re cheating on me and I’ll hack into your Facebook to see which women you chat with and and I’ll send them messages telling them you’re MY man … maybe. That would be crazy.

Or Hey, I just met you, / and this is crazy, / but let’s break into the maternity ward / and steal a baby.” NO! That’s crazy. That’s fucking crazy.

It’s hard to look right,
At you baby,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

It’s hard to look right at him? What is he, the sun?  Are you just trying to get with this guy so your name can be Rae Sun?  I take it back. You’re doing just fine in the crazy department.

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

Sorry, chick face, but I doubt that all the other boys are trying to chase you. You’re just saying that to get a rise out of Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun.

You took your time with the call,
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all,
But still, you’re in my way

He gave you nothing and he’s in your way. Are you sure you’re not just falling in love with the car in front of you in a traffic jam?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

That’s it! I’m sick of this maybe business. Do you want him to call you or not? This relationship has so much baggage before it’s even begun, I hope he doesn’t call you.

And stop trying to play it cool! You’re an insane person obsessed with a stranger who may or may not be a stopped car or a ball of fire in the sky. Just make a freaking decision.

by Alex Falcone