Some Other Alex Reviews A Beer Commercial

As someone who uses a carryall, my first impulse is to applaud this ad. Dudes who try to convey their man-purses as anything else are more pathetic than the bros who insist that their Axe Shower Tool is not a loofa, just because it’s jet-black and shaped like a tractor tire. That’s a goddamn loofa. That’s a goddamn purse. Everyone get over it and move on. I was all set to give this ad high marks, when some questions arose.

First, who the hell is this barmaid with a fascist devotion to Miller Lite? What makes her get up in the morning? What’s her origin story?

I crunched the numbers and the only logical conclusion is that she, like Batman, witnessed her parents’ brutal murder behind a theater and spent the rest of her youth longing for revenge. Although with Miller Lite Chick I see two primary differences. 

A) While the man who slayed Bruce Wayne’s parents might have been drunk, he was not carrying any alcohol when he committed the crime. Whereas, we are forced to conclude that as MLC huddled over the bodies of her parents, her attacker hung around in the alley and proceeded to drink and positively critique every single beer in the world other than Miller Lite, thus sealing the future hero’s life-long devotion to the one malt beverage not involved in the death of her parents.

B) Bruce Wayne’s father, in his dying breath, whispered, “Don’t be afraid,” which sent Bruce on a transformative path to eradicate the criminals who perpetuate fear. Miller Lite Chick’s father, on the other hand, must have whispered, “Gender norms…(wheezy dying breath) serve a myriad (bloody cough) of vital societal functions.” And thus, Miller Lite Chick found her cause of passive-aggressively reinforcing the archetypes that have kept her from getting that promotion to bar-manager she’s been gunning for.

The second question is, who is Miller Lite targeting in this ad? I can tell you right now that it isn’t me, but not because I’ve often been that straight dude in a bar with a purse. I’m saying that because even after I’ve had a 30-rack of Miller Lite I’m still not stupid enough to think that Miller Lite tastes good.

The ad ends with the line, “If you’re drinking a light beer without great pilsner taste, you’re missing the point of drinking beer.” But I’m not drinking beer, Ubiquitous-Announcer-Man, I’m drinking light beer which is to real beer what garden shears are to vasectomies; terrible but cost-effective.

Dudes don’t order a light beer looking for something “hoppy, yet refined,” they just want to get so drunk that they try and fit their whole mouth around their purse. And Miller Lite execs must know that their beer is just watered-down orca urine, if they’re also intelligent enough to run a jillion-dollar orca urine-based corporation. So who do they really believe is going buy into this ad?

It’s important to note that Bud/Miller/Coors have been hemorrhaging customers in the key 18-30 year old male demographic on two fronts. They’ve lost dudes who count their pennies and Taco Bell coupons to beers who don’t have to cover the cost of advertising, and they’ve lost dudes who tweet their feelings to the burgeoning craft beer market. Miller Lite, then, is like the 6th year senior in the last hours of a dying frat party who can’t understand why all his friends are leaving him alone at the beer pong table, either for sleep or for women. Sad and confused, and with no valid reason why anyone should pay him any attention, he turns and shouts to the backs of the mass exodus, “What are you guys, GAY!?”

Ah yes, the time-honored “Threat Of Emasculation” is the last-ditch effort of any self-loathing bro, as I imagine most Miller ad execs are. It works disconcertingly well on most males, especially with the demographic that occupies the center of the Venn diagram between “Homophobic” and “Confused By Words Like Pilsner.” 

This ad is remarkable, not because it actually succeeds in convincing dudes to pay a dollar more than they would for Schlitz, but because Miller Lite has so thoroughly come to terms with the inferiority of their product. Apple would never run an ad that said, “You should get an iPad because it’s the best on the market, also, if you don’t then you’re a Nazi.” But Apple doesn’t have to sell their product based on school-yard insults because the stuff they make is worth more than the packaging it comes in, which has never been said of Miller Lite. 

Ultimately, I am forced to commend Miller Lite for this ad and its psychological ingenuity, even though they probably don’t care about my specific opinion. When they start caring, they can put down that orca and I’ll give them a better beer.

—-

by Alex Kerr who worked at Sea World long enough to know the difference between orca and dolphin urine.

Edit by Ezra Fox.